Hurting
by LA-ink13
Summary: Callen returned to see Nell after almost a year away from LA. Upon his return he learns how much he left behind, and sets out to make it right. Story takes place sometime after season 5, and contains mild spoilers through 05x04 Reznikov, N. (Warning - Story contains a fair share of emotional angst on various topics)
1. Chapter 1

He showed up at her door in the middle of the night, knocking on it until he finally saw a light come on. He knew that he was crazy for coming so late, but once he had decided that he needed to see her, he found that he couldn't wait another minute.

"Agent Callen?" she asked as she swung the door open. "Why are you here?"

"Can I come in?" he asked.

She stepped back from the door and let him step inside. Tying her robe around her waist, she looked up at him, exhaustion evident on her young face.

He frowned at her appearance. "I'm sorry I woke you, but this couldn't wait."

"I haven't seen you in almost a year, but this couldn't wait until morning?" she asked, running a hand through her longer, but still red hair.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry I left the way I did. I'm sorry for the last year. I'm sorry that I didn't try to get in touch with you sooner."

She shrugged. "It's fine. You don't own me anything, Agent Callen. You had an offer with the Red Team and you took it."

"Paris thought she had a lead on my dad. I only meant to be gone for a week. But that stretched into a month, and when she had to move onto another case, I went off on my own."

"I hope you found what you were looking for," she said.

"I didn't," he said softly. "All I found was that I've been alone for the last year. I've been alone since I walked out of your apartment almost a year ago, and I'm tired of being alone. I missed Christmas with the team, and Halloween with Sam's kids, all to chase something that I didn't need to leave to find."

"What's that?" she asked softly.

"Family." he answered. "I was trying so hard to find my father, that I didn't even stop to think about the family that I walked away from."

She nodded. "You walked away from more than you know."

"You." he said. "I know. I should have stayed, I should have talked to you, I shouldn't have left you alone in bed that morning."

"It would have been better if that night hadn't happened at all," she said softly. She paused and took a deep breath. "I think you need to go, Agent Callen."

"Nell," he said. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and turned away. "Leave. Please."

His hand was on the door knob when he heard the soft whimper escape from her lips. Stepping away from the door he followed her into her living room.

"Nell?" he asked.

"I want you to go," she said. "Please."

"Not until you tell me why you're so upset," he said as he reached out and gently touched her shoulder. "What else happened that night?"

"Nothing," she said as she jerked out of his touch. "We had too much to drink, I invited you in, we hooked up, and you left the next morning. That's all."

"Talk to me, Nell," he said. "I know that we were both drinking, but I thought we both on the same page. I didn't ... I didn't force you did I?"

She turned around and looked at him, the horror evident on her face. "No, Callen. No, it's nothing like that. I knew what we were doing. I wanted it to happen. I don't regret that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what is it?" he asked.

She shook her head. "We were drunk. And we weren't careful. And I didn't even think about it until you were gone almost two months. I've never been regular, so I didn't even think about it until Kensi made some remark."

"Thought about what?" he asked, stepping closer to her. "What is it?"

"Kensi bought me the test. And it was positive," Nell said slowly. "That one time. That was all it took."

"You were ..." he shook his head and looked around her apartment. "Do we have..."

She shook her head. "No."

"But," he paused. "I don't understand."

"I lost it. Three weeks later. I had just adjusted to the fact that I was, and suddenly, I wasn't."

"Oh, Nell," he said softly.

She looked up at him, tears falling from her eyes. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. He reached his hand out to her and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Silently he picked her up and carried her to the couch. He settled them both awkwardly onto the couch, and shifted until she was lying against his chest. He rubbed her back and let her cry, silently curing himself for ever leaving her.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Shh," he said. "You don't need to be. I shouldn't have left you. I should have been with you through it all."

"I was going to call you and tell you," she said. "I didn't know how you felt about me, but I thought you deserved to know. And then it was gone before I could. So I did nothing."

"Did the team know?" Callen asked. "Were they at least there for you when I wasn't?"

Nell shook her head against him. "No. Just Kensi and Hetty. I didn't even tell Eric. I was going to call you, and then go out to dinner with them the next night and announce it. Kensi had made reservations and everything. We ended up telling the team I had the flu. I took a week off of work. Then I came back like it never happened."

"Oh, Nell," he said sadly as he wrapped his arms tighter around her.

"I should make you leave," she said as she wiggled against him, getting comfortable. "I should tell you to go back to the Red Team, or wherever you were and forget that you saw me tonight."

"I'm not going back," he said. "I'm staying right here, with you."

"You don't have to," she protested weakly. "You don't need to stay just because you think that I need you now. If I needed you, it was months ago, and if I had really needed you I would have called."

"Maybe I need you," he said placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. "Maybe I need to hold you, and feel the heat of your body against mine. Maybe I need to feel your tears soaking my shirt."

"You don't need me," she said shaking her head against his chest. "You're a lone wolf."

"I'm lonely," he said softly. "And when I started thinking about it, there was only one night in my adult life that I didn't feel that way, and that was the night that I was with you."

"Maybe I moved on," Nell murmured. "Maybe there's someone else."

"There isn't," Callen said. His hand found hers and he laced their fingers together and gently squeezed her hand. "If there was you wouldn't have let me in."

"I don't want to have feelings for you," she said. "Maybe I want to have moved on."

"I know that I hurt you, and I can't change any of that," he said. "And you have no reason to let me back into your life."

"Are you coming back to the team?" she asked softly.

"What?" He asked, the question taking him by surprise.

"If you are coming back, we will be working together," she answered. "You will be in my life because I will see you every day."

"It's up to you," he said. "I want to come back. But I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have."

"I don't know," she said softly. "You were gone for 11 months. You can't just come back and pick things back up."

"I know," he said. "I can't redo what's already done. And I don't deserve a second chance. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it."

"It's late," Nell said. "I can't make a decision like that in the middle of the night. I need time to think."

"I can go," Callen said as he started to shift on the couch. "And you think it over, and maybe come over for dinner tomorrow night?"

"Don't move," Nell said. She nestled stretched out, getting comfortable against him before dropping her head to his chest and shutting her eyes. "You're comfy. Stay."

Callen shifted back onto the couch and smiled sadly as Nell shifted with him, making herself comfortable. He knew when he left that he was probably hurting her. He just wished that he had known sooner how much.

He stroked her back softly as sleep overtook her. He didn't know how it would make the last 11 months up to her. He just had to hope that he got the chance to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews, follows, and favorites! For those of you that asked - yes, there will be more. I'm planning the piece to be about 7 chapters long. Enjoy!**

* * *

Nell awoke the next morning to the feeling of Callen's fingers taping a soft rhythm on her shoulder. She shifted and murmured, but didn't open her eyes.

"Nell," he said softly. "Are you up? I don't want to wake you, but I really have to go."

With a sigh, she forced her eyes open and looked up at him. "I should have let you leave last night. You probably spend the night trying to figure out how to get out of here."

"What?" he asked, looking down at her. "Oh, no. That's not what I meant. I just meant that I need to use the bathroom."

"Oh," she said softly. "Ok then."

She slipped off of him, and cuddled into the corner of her couch, watching him as he stood and stretched. He smiled at her before turning to head down the hallway to her bathroom.

Once he was out of sight, she felt the tears begin to fall. She knew that she should brush them away before he returned, but she didn't have the energy too. She had slept well the night before. Perhaps the best that she had slept since losing her baby. But the little bit of rest wasn't enough to make her feel human again.

She had locked her feelings up from everyone since the day she came back to work from her "flu". Kensi had tried to get her to talk about it, to talk about Callen, to talk about anything since it happened, but she had locked it all away, and tried to pretend that it hadn't happened to her. It had instead happened to some other girl that she knew but wasn't related to.

It wasn't until he had shown up at her door the night before that she had allowed herself to cry at all. And now that she started, she wasn't sure that she would ever stop. She had lied to him the night before. She had needed him the whole time. But she hadn't wanted to be a burden. She didn't see the use in burdening him with something that they didn't even have. Her pain was her own to carry, and she didn't think it was fair to ask him to share it.

She was so lost in her own grief that she didn't hear Callen come back into the room. It wasn't until he sat down beside her that she looked up and attempted to wipe the tears from her eyes. She allowed him to wrap his arms around her and pull her into his lap. Burying her head against his chest she tried to calm her own sobs when she suddenly realized that his shoulders were shaking.

Pulling away, she looked up at him as the first tear slid down his face. She reached her hand out and carefully brushed it away. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she gently kissed his cheek.

"I wish I had known," he said. "I wish I had been there."

"I didn't want to be a burden," she said. "It happened, and then it was over, and I thought I was ok on my own. But now, now I feel like I'll never stop."

"I know," he said, his fingers running through her hair. "All my life I've been chasing a family that's gone, and when I get back, it's just another thing gone. Except this feels different. It fells different to lose something that I never knew I had."

"It didn't hurt this much until you came back," Nell whispered against his neck.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and shook her head. "No."

"Can we talk?" Callen asked. "Not right now, I thought right now we could maybe just lie back down for a while. But later."

She nodded. "Ok. Later."

"Come on," Callen said as he shifted them both until the they were lying down on the couch.

Nell wiggled against him, getting comfortable. She felt him run his hand softly across her back, and she closed her eyes, settling against him. Her hand came to rest on his shirt and she grabbed at it, fisting his shirt between her fingers. Closing her eyes, she let herself relax into him, and was soon lulled back to sleep by the comforting feel of his fingers along her back.

It was early afternoon when she woke back up. Lifting her head, she look down at him, surprised to see his eyes were still closed. She shifted slightly and unwrapped her hand from his shirt. Carefully she ran her hand over the wrinkles that she had made when she heard him speak.

"I think you permanently wrinkled it. "

"Did not," she answered, trying once again to smooth it out.

"How does pizza sound?" he asked.

"What?"

"For lunch," he answered. "How does pizza sound for lunch. I know a little place by the ocean that makes the best white pizza in the country."

"The whole country?" she asked.

"I've seen a lot of the country, Nell. And I've eaten a lot of pizza. And this is the best."

She nodded. "Sounds good. I'm just going to go take a shower, and we can go."

"Wear your swimsuit under your clothes," Callen said with a grin. "We'll walk on the beach afterwards."

"I can do that," she said with a smile as she slid off of him and stood up. "I'll be ready in twenty minutes."

~8~8~8~8~

"You were right," Nell said with a grin. "This is the best pizza I've ever had."

Callen smiled back at her. "I told you it was."

"Thanks," she said. She broke eye contact and looked down at her plate. "So..."

Callen took a deep breath. "I want to come back to the team. Provided Hetty will let me. And I want to be able to work with you. And we take it slow, and see how it goes."

She nodded. "That's fine. I'm sure the team will welcome you back, and I'll be fine working with you."

"If you need me," Callen said. "At all, any time, any place. I will come. I don't want to just be your coworker, Nell. I want to see if there is a chance that we could be something else."

"You don't have to say that, G."

"I'm not just saying it. I mean it," he said. He reached across the table and took her had. "I knew what I was leaving when I left. And I thought I would be back in a week, and some time apart would give us time to think about what we both wanted. But I got obsessed with finding my father, and the months just slipped away. But you were always in my mind. It was always you."

"Not you and Paris?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No. She's pretty, and she's smart, and we have things in common. She's a good friend. But she isn't you."

"That sounds nice, G," Nell said with a sigh. "But you'll understand why I'm having trouble believing you."

He nodded. "I know. I left you. You have no reason to think that you meant anything to me, and you have every right to be upset. Especially after everything that you had to go through alone. But just give me a chance."

She nodded. "Ok."

"What to go for a walk?" Callen asked as he flagged the waiter down to pay for the bill.

"That sounds nice," she said with a nod.

After paying the bill, Callen took her hand and guided her out of the restaurant. He knew that this was the start of a long road, but he was pretty sure that it would be worth it in the long run.

Squeezing Nell's hand, he smiled at her as she tugged at his hand dragging him onto the sand. He followed her, ready to enjoy a day at the beach with the redhead that had captured his heart. He knew that it wasn't going to be an easy road for him in the weeks ahead, but knowing that Nell was willing to work on things made the difference. For now, he was going to work on making better memories, and help her to overcome the bad ones.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Between the holiday season and year end at work, I've been overly busy. Anyways ... enjoy!**

He knocked on her door, and wasn't surprised when she opened it and started to close it in his face. He knew for as hurt as Nell was at seeing him, Kensi would be that angry. He stuck his foot in the door, keeping it from closing. He tried not to wince when she stepped on his foot and pushed the door harder.

"Can we just talk?" he asked.

"You left. You left the team, and you left Nell, and we all had to pick up the pieces. There's nothing to talk about," she said angrily.

"I meant to be gone for a week," he responded. "Not a year. And why didn't you call?"

"Me?" she asked. "You're going to blame me?"

"Why didn't you call me and tell me what happened? Why didn't you tell me what happened to Nell?" he asked with a sigh. "I'd have come back immediately."

"You sure about that?" she asked defensively. "Because you seemed to have left her easily enough."

"Fine," Callen said pulling his foot out of the door in defeat. "I deserve all of that. I deserve all of everyone's anger. I shouldn't have left the way I did. I was so blinded by what I may find that I didn't stop to think about what I already had."

He turned to walk away, when he heard the door open. He almost turned around, but instead kept walking down the walk. It wasn't until he felt Kensi's hand on his shoulder that he stopped.

"Callen, wait," she said softly. "Come inside. We can talk. Don't just leave. Nell will never forgive me if you leave."

"It's fine, Kensi," he said. "I won't tell her I was here. You don't have to feel guilty for being right."

"Have you seen Nell?" Kensi asked her hand dropping from his shoulder.

He turned around, tears shining in his eyes and nodded. "I went there last night, and stayed the night. And we just dropped her off at her place. I'm going to see Hetty after I leave here, and then I'm bringing her dinner."

"Callen, I'm so sorry," Kensi whispered as she held her arms open to him.

Callen stared at her for a moment before stepping into her arms and resting his head on her shoulder. As her arms wrapped around him, he found his own arms to be clinging to the back of her shirt as the tears started to fall. While seeing Nell cry earlier had brought him to his own tears, this was different as he found himself not holding back all the pain that has been building since seeing Nell the night before. He clung to Kensi as the sobs wracked his body.

"Shh," Kensi said gently rubbing his back. "Come on inside, we'll talk in there. We stand out her too much longer, the neighbors may get the wrong idea, and I'll have an upset Deeks on my hands."

Callen nodded and released her shirt. Taking a deep breath he tried to slow his breathing from the ragged sobs. He quietly followed her into her bungalow, and sat in the chair that she motioned him to. She disappeared out of the living room, into the kitchen and he looked around at the almost organized room.

She walked back into the room and handed him a bottle of water before sitting on the couch.

Callen opened the bottle and took a drink. "Your place is a lot cleaner than I remember."

Kensi nodded. "A lot has changed in the 11 months since you left."

"You and Deeks?" Callen asked.

Kensi nodded. "Me and Deeks. Since Valentine's Day."

"Oh," Callen said with a nod. He stared at the bottle of water in his hand not sure what else to say.

"Nell told me not to tell you," Kensi said softly. "She told me not to tell anyone. Not even Deeks. I wanted to call you, but I didn't know what to say. You left so quickly, and none of us knew why. For all we knew you left because of Nell."

"I didn't want to leave her. But I got a lead on my dad, and I was blinded by the desire to find him. Nothing else mattered that morning that Paris called me. But if I had known I would have come back sooner," Callen said with a sigh. "I would have been there."

"She thought that you left because of her. Because you regretted what happened. She thought that you went because you'd rather be with Paris than with her," Kensi said softly.

"Paris is just a friend," he said softly. "And I don't know what Nell is. I didn't get a chance to find out."

Kensi smiled. "You like her."

"I don't know," Callen said, rubbing his face. "I think that I could like her. But I'm worried that I've already hurt her too much to try."

"Eric asked her out a couple of weeks ago," Kensi said with a shake of her head. "Nell managed to turn him down politely. Eric was a little crushed, but he seemed ok the next morning."

"And?" Callen asked.

"She turned him down because she didn't want to date someone that wasn't you just because you weren't there."

"I can't change what happened," Callen said slowly. "But I intend to do better from now on. I'm not going anywhere, and I think we're going to try to make something work. We're going to take it slow, but I want this Kensi."

Kensi nodded, and started to say something when the front door opened and Deeks walked in.

"Kensi, there's a strange car out there, do you ..." he paused and looked at Callen. "Oh, I see that the prodigal has returned."

"Deeks," Callen said with a nod.

"Eleven months and you just show up?" Deeks asked. "You don't call, you don't write, and you just show back up like a bad coin."

"I know, Deeks," Callen said. "I've gotten enough lectures already."

"Ok," Deeks said with a nod before turning to Kensi. "We have to pick Monty up by four if we want to get some beach time in before dinner. I'll see Callen out if you want to get changed."

Kensi nodded. "Ok. Play nice, Deeks."

"Always," he said with a grin.

Callen stood and headed to the door as Kensi headed down the hall to change. He could tell from the look in Deeks's eyes that he didn't want to be alone with the detective for too long.

His hand was on the doorknob when Deeks spoke.

"You know, I'm smarter than most people give me credit for," Deeks said. "But I see things. And I hear things. And it doesn't take a detective to put the pieces together. Although, even if it did, I am one."

Callen turned to him "What's your point?"

"You hurt Nell Bell when you left," Deeks said. "And that doesn't work for me. So I think that you and I have a problem."

Callen nodded. "I know that I hurt her. And I'm trying to make it up to her. But I can't fix everything overnight."

"I'm going to be watching you," Deeks said carefully. "And if you mess up, you'll be answering to me. Nell is like the little sister that I never had, and I'm not going to let you mistreat her. So all those things that you think that you want to say to me about not hurting Kensi - just remember that I think all those same things about you and Nell."

"I understand," Callen said with a nod. "And I will do everything in my power to make sure that I never hurt her again."

"I won't hesitate to hurt you," Deeks said calmly. "If Nell says anything to me, or if I hear anything that you did that I don't like, I will come after you."

"I get it, Deeks," Callen said with a sigh. "And if I hurt her again, you won't need to come after me. I'll come after myself."

"That doesn't make any sense," Deeks said shaking his head.

"I won't hurt her," Callen said.

"Regardless, I'm watching you," Deeks answered.

"Are you playing nice Deeks?" Kensi called from down the hall.

"Of course I am light of my life," Deeks said turning towards her voice. He turned back to Callen and shook his head. "I'll see you later. Maybe at work?"

Callen nodded. "I'm going to go talk to Hetty now about coming back to work."

"You know, despite everything, I'd rather you were running the team instead of Sam. And I'm pretty sure that Agent Barrett will be glad to hear that her temporary assignment is over."

"I'll see what Hetty says," Callen said with a nod. "I don't expect that she'll welcome me back with open arms."

"It hasn't been the same without you," Deeks said. "So, I guess, welcome back."

"Thanks." Callen said.

"This doesn't mean that I won't hurt you," Deeks said.

"I know," Callen said as he opened the door. "Warning received."

Deeks nodded as Callen stepped outside. He made it to his car and closed the door behind him. Resting his forehead on the steering wheel, he couldn't help but wish that he had spend the last eleven months differently. Putting the key in the ignition, he could only hope that Hetty was willing to welcome him back.


End file.
